knowing the date of your own death
it takes an incredible amount of work for you to achieve a baseline of nervous system autonomy - one where you’re still raising your shoulders like a cat ready to fight, though aware enough sometimes to drop them.
cbd oil three times per day, taurine powder twice per day, l-theanine once per day, magnesium at night - then alternating between benzos and opiates.
and that’s just the supplements - meditation, socialising, reading, learning, cutting down screen time.
it’s exhausting and, quite frankly, you’re starting to wonder if it’s really worth it.
you treated most people badly your whole life. now you’re alone. the logos or karma or whatever doesn’t care about the motivations behind your selfish actions or how you’ve redeemed yourself - it cares about balance.
and even though you’re pretty much a fully-functioning human being for the first time in your life, and you do truly regret how you treated people, no god is going to drop companionship in your lap.
like a man condemned to knowing when he is going to die, you’re cursed with the knowledge that the next 20 to 30 years of your life are…
you're going to be a person with all this love to give in your heart, but understanding you'll never be able to share it.
when hope dies it doesn’t create space to live a liberated and fulfilling life.
it simply withers and dries out like a worm inside your chest - not ever quite decaying.